Karen Horney was one of the leading researchers on the impact of childhood trauma in adult neurosis, and came up with theories suggesting how people develop neurosis. First of all, neurosis is a psychological way of coping with life or a specific situation that isn't traditionally "normal", or that is traumatizing. For some adults, neurosis is a way of bearing childhood burdens (like the memories of molestation or negligence). However, most people experience neurosis because of what Horney calls "the basic evils", which are parental actions towards children that cause a barrier of coldness or isolation between them and their kids. It's the lack of wanting, caring or love in an early child's relationships that is truly scarring (not necessarily beatings or verbal abuse). Occasions when these evils are most evident include (but are not limited to) when parents favor one sibling over another; humiliation of the child by the parent; broken promises; unfair punishment for small mistakes; and the parents' erratic behavior towards or around the child.
I have two sisters who are older than me, and growing up as the youngest child I always felt that my parent preferred them over me. I understand now that they didn't, but it wouldn't be hard to comprehend why parents favor silbings over another: older siblings are more mature and less obnoxious/uncompliant, or younger siblings may get more attention because they "need" it more than older kids. In any case, I felt that they favored my sisters for the sole reason that my sisters got to do things I wasn't allowed to do all the time. Since my sisters are 5 and 10 years older than me, I see my parents' logic behind keeping me from doing the same things they did (like go to scary movies with friends, or get more allowance, or go places by myself). But back then I thought it was just because they didn't like me, and therefore wouldn't let me be an "individual". I threw tantrums and never got what I wanted. "How come Kate gets to go!?!?" "Why does Rachel get to eat that?!?!" "What did I ever do to deserve this?!?!" As a grown person, in retrospect, it all makes sense to me, and I am not permanently scarred, because the reasons behind the parental restraint were rational.
My mom used to humiliate me a lot. I love her to bits, but when I was younger I remember she used to do things that she knew pushed my buttons, but would make her laugh all the same. Example "A": For a halloween party one year, when I was in the insecure middle school pre-pubescent stage of my life, my mom showed up in a "nerd" costume I specifically told her not to wear. Her response, "It will be fine, honey!" But I knew it could end in disaster. And when she arrived, I was embarrassed out of this world. However, like she said, it was all good, and people enjoyed the humor in her costume choice. Now I have learned to accept my mom (and whole family for that matter) for their quirkiness and things that I realize that I have also picked up over the years.
My parents never really made promises to be broken in the first place. But I know that some parents, in order to settle their kids down, or to lighten the mood, will tell their kids one thing, and not follow through with it. For example, if some kids really want to go to a water park, their parents might promise them that they can go later that week, getting the childrens' hopes up, and then not actually go, or make up excuses why they can't. This can be crushing, especially for little kids who don't understand the intention behind the broken promise, and it certainly isn't meant to be purposefully devastating from the parents' points of view.
I remember the good old days of getting spanked for things I did that I thought, at the time, were perfectly reasonable. I would do something like talk back to my parents, waiving it off as "freedom of speech", until I realized that isn't true in a household where parents reign. Then I would be punished "unfairly" for what I said. At the time I wasn't happy about this at all. My parent's were doing stuff to me that wasn't justified. But now I realize what a brat I was, and I can cope internally with the rational consequences I recieved. My parents were only trying to teach me that my behavior was unacceptable, which is was, but I didn't realize that at the time.
My family hasn't always been the most organized, composed or punctual family. When we would go on family trips, just getting out the door was a hassle, and everyone's erratic behavior with last-minute packing and scrambling to put everything in its place was almost unbearable. We are still a very scattered, hectic, dynamic family. But that's what I love about us! Growing up I just got used to this behavior and dealt with it accordingly: i joined right in. However, I know some kids might be overwhelmed or frightened by the erratic nature of their parents, traumatizing them for life. Growing up where it was normal, and using the same techniques of erraticism as an adult, I appreciate it and it allows me to be more spontaneous and forgiving of crazy mistakes or unwanted mishaps.
Sources:
Karen Horney Powerpoint. Mataji Sharma. 2008
Crux and Flux. "Punishment." Cartoon. http://www1.istockphoto.com/ file_thumbview_approve/1119816/2/istockphoto_1119816_punishment.jpg
Britannica. "Karen Horney." Picture. http://cache.eb.com/eb/image?id=61953&rendTypeId=4
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